"How Could This Happen?"

Just a few days after deciding to begin blogging again, something unthinkable happened. Something I thought, at first, that I would not even begin to be able to discuss publicly until some time had passed. But here I find myself at my keyboard, wanting to share what happened with our friends and family who we've kept in the dark so far.

Keep in mind that our wounds are fresh, so this might come across as super dramatic and way TMI (too much information). But of course, that is how I roll.

Just to give you some background info, Justin and I had been trying to conceive for almost a year when I scheduled an appointment to see my OB-GYN about our next plan of action. We really wanted to start a family and with us both being young and healthy, we were a little curious why it just wasn't happening for us. My appointment was scheduled for a month later on July 9th.

I had a surprise birthday party for Justin in mid June, so I attributed the stress of party planning and having to keep secrets to the fact that my cycle was a little late. By June 19th, I had missed it completely and my co-worker jokingly teased me that I must be pregnant. A quick stop at the grocery store and a pee on a stick later, it was confirmed that I was, in fact, pregnant! I took another test to be sure, then changed my appointment to a pre-natal visit.

Yay! We did it!

The nurse calculated my due date as February 16, 2015. We were OVER THE MOON. I guess it's just like they say, once you quit trying so hard is when it happens!

At my 8 week ultrasound, we saw our little blueberry, but it appeared we had miscalculated when I ovulated because it measured about a week behind. We thought, no big deal, due dates change. What's 1 week?

We came back in at our "official" 8 week appointment to see a gummy bear that had doubled in size with a strong heart beat. It was amazing. Finally it felt real. And it looked like a real baby with arm and leg buds and everything! We started placing bets on the sex of the baby: I voted girl and Justin voted boy.

Our little gummy bear at 8 weeks. He/she doubled in size in 1 week!

Justin and I opted for the Panorama prenatal screening to find out our risk for genetic abnormalities and even to find out the gender. To some people, this seemed unnecessary/impatient because no matter the result, we knew we would love and care for our child just the same. I went in at 10 weeks to have my blood drawn and off it went to the lab. At 12 weeks, we would know if we were having a precious little girl or boy. I began planning a little gender reveal get together for our family (and like-family).

This is also when we took some photos with AshleyKay Photography for our pregnancy announcements we would be sending out soon. It was the hottest day of the year so far, but we powered through it!

Since we won't be sending them out, I thought I would share a few of my favorites.

FYI, this is at the Heard-Craig house, where we got married. We were SO hot and sweaty, but HAD to get this shot in.

 

A week later, around 11 weeks, I began spotting and having mild cramping, that just didn't seem right to me. Of course, I've been super paranoid and overanalyzing every single symptom I've felt, so part of me knew everything would be okay. To be sure, I had my doctor squeeze me in for an ultrasound, mainly to ease my fears. Once she began to look for the baby, I could see it in her face that something was wrong. She never even had to say the words. The rest of the day was sort of a blur, but basically we learned that even though I hadn't miscarried yet and the baby was still there, it's tiny little heart wasn't beating anymore.

We scheduled a D&C, that I would never make it to. I began to miscarry naturally; something I physically and emotionally did not want to endure.

I couldn't stop asking, "How could this happen?" "Why would this happen?" "How DID this happen?"

Today I got my answer. The doctor called because the Panorama test results, something I had disregarded at this point, came in. According to our doctor, there was a type of Chromosome 18 abnormality, which is inevitably fatal to a developing baby. It is not genetic so neither Justin or I caused this to happen, so we shouldn't have to fear that this will happen again. The doctor did leave me with one last bit of information: our baby was a girl.

We now realize how truly lucky we were to have this happen so early on in the pregnancy rather than later. My heart breaks for those who have had to suffer that unimaginable loss. We're still sorting out feelings and figuring out where to go from here. We don't know how soon we'll try again, but I plan on following doctor's orders while letting things happen naturally.